The piping steam blew through his fingers, as they were sweating more than ever; to burst through the chipped wooden door, and the first thing you lay your eyes on was your very ill, sickly mother. What a devastating site! How would you feel?
Poor Jim woke up in the morning to find a six foot man standing over him, whipping his yellow hair whilst the hair grease dripped onto his pale face. The rest of his family were finally woken up by the deafening sound of the old man shouting! Who was it? It was Mr Spink the evil landlord that had come demanding for rent! The wicked human being spotted a purse on the wet, muddy floor, it was drowned in gravy.
Mr Spink started asking questions. “Did you buy a pie last night? Was it yummy? Did it cost a shilling?”.
“Yes” a scared Jim replied as he knew it was not good to lie; he hoped that because he had told the truth it would be ok. But then suddenly “That was your rent money” he whispered in a soft voice, “YOUR OUT!!!!!!”
The Jarvis’s shook in fear but they knew they had to leave, they knew what Mr Spink was like! A few hours later they reached Rosie. Luckily she said that Emily and Lizzie could stay but sadly Jim and his mum had to find somewhere else to live. So off to workhouse it was for him! Jim and his mother were extremely tired so they dozed off for a nap on the side walk. Jim woke up to find that his mum was DEAD!!!…
The next day Jim met a new friend, his name was Tip. They both decided that the horrid building was no place for any young boy so they tried to escape. The two youngsters went to help with the carpet beating, that was their only chance, that was their new home. Tip backed out, Jim was leaving no matter what, so he stuck to the plan. He held his breath, squeezed in his tummy, slid through the iron bar of the gate and he was free.
The young boy wondered through the streets searching for a house with the boot scraper, considering that’s where he last saw Rosie. Finally he found it. He tripped up and stuttered against a girl. Rose was no longer there. This woman called Betsey took Jim to Rosie. Jim told Rosie all about what had happened and he saved the worst bit till last “my mother died”. Rosie nursed him, whilst he sobbed himself to sleep. When he awoke he found himself in a shed, waiting to be kidnapped by a revolting man called Grimy Nick…. He was scared. Would you be?
Grimy Nick made Jim his slave. The remorselessly cruel beast was unfit to look after a child as he could barely help himself. One day Jim had had enough so he decided to escape, but unfortunately he got his leg bitten, so he tried again a couple of years later and he did it. He joined the circus with Madam Juglini. As he was about to get paid he saw a mysterious figure ion the lantern light! So he left.
I think that was really good. It was a bit sad when his mum died but other than that it was really good. I would be scared if I was kidnapped. I think you could have used more punctuation, for example question marks, explanation marks.
I like the part when you made it sound like a story but I think you need to use a little bit more of onomatopoeia so you can make it interesting and it was really, really, really sad when his mother died but you can also use adjective.
I think it should have some connectives or wow words to make it more outstanding so it could be interesting , the funniest bit about it was when the boys leg got bitten off and the saddest bit was when his mother died when they were sleeping on the side walk.
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